


Purpose

by Jeaven



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Hurt Sam, Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Hurt Sam Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Sam-Centric, Trials of Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 09:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6977677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeaven/pseuds/Jeaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The end of 8x23: Sacrifice. Angels are falling, and Sam is barely holding on. Dean begs him to fight until they get to a hospital - but for Sam, things just don't seem to be worth living for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically a Sam-monologe at the very end of "Sacrifice". Have fun :)

He feels the spell pulsing in him. Deans hand is on his forehead. It's cold, a nice contrast to his burning body. The rain drops on his skin feel like ice. He almost doesn't notice.  
Dean must be screaming at him, but he only hears it dully. " _Come on Sam, you can make it!"_  
Sam knows Dean's lying. Sam feels the life slipping away from him. He should have ended it though, in that church. That way, he could have saved people. He could have done something good for a change, saving people, who were dying now, because of him, and still here he was, living, after all odds turned against him.  
He can't go back in there now, Deans death grip on his shoulders suggests nothing else but to stay here, right beside the car.  
Sam didn't realize that Dean would fight for him, until back there in the church. It was ironic, really, that Dean still holds onto him no matter what, where Sam hadn't even looked for him.  
His vision gets blurry, and he blinks. Every time it gets harder to open his eyes again, and in the end he lets them close.  
Dean shakes him now. It makes his insides hurt. " _Stay awake Sammy, you have to stay awake."_  
It's a weird veil that's hanging over everything now, making his mind dull and heavy. It's kind of comfortable, actually, and he can let himself fall... deep...  
_"Sam!"_    
He catches himself. The burning heat in his body and the arching pain comes crashing onto him, and for a moment he can't breathe.  
_"No, don't you dare do that to me!"_    
He tries to speak - Dean - but all he can manage is a pained moan.  
Dean is relieved, though. He's always been so simple to satisfy, even when Sam doesn't deserve it. Especially then.  
_"Thank god, Sammy."_  
Sam isn't sure they should be thanking God for this. Keeping him alive isn't that much of a good plan. If he had died when he was supposed to, the world wouldn't have suffered so much. Dean wouldn't have suffered. Demon blood, Lucifer, his soulless self, the year Dean had been in Purgatory, it all flashes in front of his eyes.  
He can't even feel the ground anymore, or the impala at his back. It doesn't seem so bad. He's floating, towards hell (really, there's no way he wouldn't end up there), but in the end that's not what's important. He'll be away from this world. Away from everything he could mess up again.  
Away from Dean.  
He'll miss him. That's unpreventable. But Dean will be free, will get a chance to be happy, without having to clean up Sam's messes over and over again.  
He feels content. For the first time in his life, relief, happiness and satisfaction mix inside of him, and he smiles.  
Dean's still talking. He only hears bits of it.

_Help... Sammy... Please... Live..._

Sam's out of options. He tried, oh he tried a thousand times, and chose wrong, every time. What is left, is the last option. He should have done it sooner. But that doesn't mean it's too late now.  
He's still holding on, clings to the last bit of life inside him. Deans presence has always been a rock to him. His never changing shoulder to lean on. And even if Sam can barely feel it, Dean next to him is still holding him back. It shouldn't, but it does. He's not even aware of his hand moving, until he feels Deans covering his. He doesn't deserve it and it's selfish but he can't help it.  
Dean is squeezing his hand. Sam doesn't have the strength to return it.  
His brother is better off without him. Sam knows it might take Dean a while, but eventually he'll enjoy the freedom Sam's giving him. The rest of the world will have a chance at surviving.  
He feels peaceful. His breath is shallow, his muscles still.  
Deans voice is wrecked. _"You gotta fight, Sammy. Please."_  
What for? Sam wonders and goes to sleep.


End file.
